When you’re unsure about God’s plans for your future
You know those moments, when you’re unsure about God’s plans for your future. They can be debilitating and anxiety inducing!
I’ve often felt the pressure to give advice when I hit post on an entry, but I fear that has kept me from saying what I feel the need to say at least a few times. That being said I don’t recommend quitting school (even though I would prefer saying “deciding on a different path” or “course” if I wanted to be punny).
What I feel the need to say today is that I am scared, scared witless actually. I keep struggling with the doubt that God has a plan for me. No, scratch that. I’m afraid that his plans for me don’t meet my own expectations of what my life should be.
My life should follow this neat linear path. High school, college, marriage, family, blah, blah, blah, in no particular order (okay preferably that order). But as my life continues on, I have this sneaking suspicion that God’s plan is not working in this neat little order I would like for it to. And that has been very, very difficult for me to accept. I know that I have idolized this picture for my life; the picture that I am a university graduate doing great things with her diploma and her career. I have tried very hard to fit my life into this box of expectations I’ve set for myself and to be frank it has made me miserable.
But how could I still doubt Him after I’ve told him I wouldn’t do that again? He has told me specifically that He has a plan for me. I’m sure He’s observing my constant striving and worrying with bemused annoyance. I suppose I have been fooling myself by accepting that He has a plan for me while not accepting the oh so minor detail that His plan for me is worlds apart from my own plans or expectations for me.
Chris Russell said it best in his post on understanding God’s will for you life, “Many times when we say we are seeking God’s will, what we are really wanting to say to God is this: “OK, God, here’s what I’m planning to do. Now I need you to rubber stamp this, all right?” I’m definitely guilty of this.
When you’re unsure about what God really wants
Update: After a bit of prayerful journaling and reflection, I have made a not so crazy God-grace-given breakthrough. I was worried that this has been a “God, can I please have your rubber stamp of approval?” type of blissfully in denial decision, secretly hoping God is onboard and wanting to ignore Him if he’s not. But I thought, no, it’s probably best I make sure. And I thought, God, I’m going to listen to your spirit and write what you have to say to me. And I found myself writing…
God, what is the next step in my education?
You have created me, a smart, brave, creative, and Godly woman; in many ways, like you. You have created me in your image.
You use your word to speak to me and speak truth into mine and others’ lives. Your spirit moves in me when I write to you and for others.
You have created me to serve you and to help others while also being a blessing to others. This is something you have made me capable of doing with or without a degree in everything that I can do.
I know a degree would be pleasing to me but it doesn’t make a difference in the way you see me; supremely adored and loved, covered by your absolute and immeasurable grace.
Life is about more than this moment or one decision’s outcome
My life’s purpose and meaning goes far beyond this one moment and decision. I’m not trying to justify quitting school; by all means, continue onward if that is what you feel you’re called to do! With God before you, how could you be lost? In everything you do for Him there is reason and purpose and worth. And I genuinely think God is wanting me to make this decision for myself without fear. There are personal reasons as to why but I won’t waste your time with that!
Although at the same time it is hard for me to wrap my head around; God has a specific and perfect plan for me and yet wants me to make this decision for myself? What? Why can’t things be more straightforward? Come to think of it, don’t we say that about all relationships? Don’t you wish you could say to your partner or friend or coworker “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”
If this seems like one giant thought process fueled by caffeine and chocolate covered biscuits, you would be right. (At least it’s a prayerful caffeine and chocolate covered biscuits thought process!) What I am trying to say is I would venture to say that God is trying to teach me that he doesn’t dictate what I do. Instead, He is trying to gently show me how caring and understanding he truly is.
Perfect love drives out fear
I found a tee-shirt today in a charity shop that says “Perfect love drives out fear” and I found it fitting to mention for wrapping up this post. Oh, I’m so funny. It is true. I’m scared, but I’m ready, and I’m positive there are great things to come. This season of my life is coming to an end and I have confidence His perfect love will drive out this fear I’m experiencing.
Can I get an Amen? Amen!